When I read last week's Sunday New York Times article about an increase in conflicts between bikers and drivers (in the fashion section!), I thought, "Finally, someone documenting the ongoing harassment and danger that bikers experience."
That's not how City Pages' Bradley Campbell took it. He did the KSTP dance by arguing that Minneapolis has very few incidents of cyclist harassment (after an exhaustive search, no doubt), but that the ones we do have are the fault of cyclists, not motorists. All because he's seen some riders float through stop signs or ride the wrong way on one-ways downtown or around the University.
The obvious response is to argue about the dangerous conditions for bicyclists: aggressive and inattentive motorists, dangerous intersections, and stats that say most collisions are the fault of motorists.
However, I've gone over all that before. Instead, what really bothers me is Campbell's attitude that bikers are some homogeneous group.
As a longtime bicyclist, I also resent most bicyclists, probably more than he does. As soon as nice weather shows up, they start clogging the streets that I've come to think of as mine during the long winter. I can generalize better than most about all the idiots who ride non-motorized two-wheelers. As well as articulate, for the benefit of journalists like Campbell, the dangers these bikers pose to good citizens.
Lance ArmstrongsThese are the people dressed in padded shorts and fluorescent helmets dotted with power-gel logos. Their favored habitats are paved bike trails and the clothing aisles of bike shops. Usually only seen between May and August, they see biking as less a form of transportation than a sport of dominance. Because of this, the main danger they pose is to other bicyclists as they imagine themselves to be engaged in a Tour de France-style competition that necessitates passing at high-speeds and a hairs-breadth, all in order to win an imagined race. Although they look harmless, their dependence on performance supplements, along with their entitled upper-class origins as lawyers and MBAs, can make them volatile and dangerous. They give bikers an undeserved reputation for wearing bright colors.
StudentsThis species of bicyclist can be found in the University districts of most cities between September and December. Their favored bike is their childhood mountain bike, usually called something like Toxic Charge, which they secure to the railings of staircases with a 3-digit combination cable lock, and which they often abandon after the first snow of the year. Often, these riders can be observed utilizing cell phones or I-pods while in transit between classes. Because this species hesitates to ride on streets, it poses the greatest threat to trees and lamp posts, with which, because of their inattentiveness, they often collide.
Bike MessengersThis species can best be recognized by their clipped toe shoes and odd little bike racing hat, like a baseball hat with a shorter bill, usually advertising a company that produces brake cables. Odds are they've affixed a weathered cards from a race a couple years back in between the spokes of their preferred ride, a fixed gear, which they are able to discuss at exhausting length. During daylight hours, they can be found on the streets of downtown, while at night they congregate in Northeast Minneapolis, as well as gathering in masochistic rituals called Alley-Cats. Overwhelmingly male, their topics of conversation usually revolve exclusively around bicycles, bicycle accessories, and bicycle tattoos. Typically, they follow common sense traffic rules, but won't hesitate to run a stoplight if there's no oncoming traffic. A dominant sub-genre of the species, "Bike Nerd," they feel entitled to their space on the road, and won't hesitate to misuse a U-lock by smashing a tail light. They pose the greatest threat to taxi drivers.
HipstersThe hipster can be found in Uptown Minneapolis between the months of June and August. Typically, the females of the species can be recognized by their colorful vintage coaster bikes, weighing sometimes up to 100 pounds, and sometimes ornamented with front handlebar baskets. The males can be distinguished by comparing them to the most recent Urban Outfitters ad. At the smallest sight of inclement weather, they retreat to vintage station wagons and Volkswagens, often ornamented with "One Less Car" stickers. They gather sporadically at events like Movies in the Park.
Activists This genre of bikers can be distinguished by messenger-bag patch (ex. "This Bike is a Pipe Bomb") and Carhart pants with attached Nalgene bottle. They ride a variety of bikes, usually low-end and badly maintained lest they transcend the activist sub-genre into the messenger genre. They do, however, put great emphasis on the freight capacity of their vehicles, often attaching a rickety cart in which they transport crates of half-rotted, dumpstered green onions. Another sub-genre of "Bike Nerd," they pose the greatest threat to aggressive drivers because of their excitement to find someone who wants to finally discuss Car Culture. They gather in monthly theater performances opposite the Minneapolis police called Critical Mass.
Bike PunksThis species of bicyclist can be distinguished from other sub-genres of hipster bikers by the bulge of large amounts of canned beer in their bags, accompanied by a slightly garlic and sweat smell. They typically surround their residences with piles of broken bikes and worn out tires. While favoring road bikes, or in some cases, two bike frames piled on top of one another, they usually deign to wear helmets or safety gear, instead muting their clothing-- often the very same clothing the above hipsters purchased at Urban Outfitters, if a couple generations into the secondhand cycle-- to distinguish themselves from those who might be accused of giving too much of a fuck. Typically riding on the street and with the flow of traffic, they commonly disregard what they see as redundant traffic signals. Concentrated largely in the strip of Minneapolis between the West Bank and Powderhorn, they can be found on the street year round, usually between the hours of 9 pm and the 3 am. Because they are often inebriated when biking their dog along the street, they pose the greatest threat to cats.
LumpenproleteriatThe final major species of Minneapolis bicyclist contains grown men with DWIs riding their daughters' bikes, recent immigrants, and generally people who can't afford any other type of transportation. Usually riding on sidewalks, they don't care about bike lanes, bike racks on buses, or Car Culture. They really just want to get the fuck out of work and home as quickly as possible.