Nine months in the womb: A twin's guide to interacting with twins

Twenty-eight years ago, I was born with a condition called monozygotia that affects approximately two percent of the population. It means I have a twin brother. During that time, I have been mistaken for my twin brother at least 10,000 times. I estimate he has been mistaken for me about a dozen times, if not less. Below are some thoughts on the best way to approach people stricken with this lifelong affliction.

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To answer the questions we twins always hear:

I have been a twin all my life. Do not ask if I like being a twin because I have never been alive before. Did you know non-twins are called singletons? How does that feel?

No, I will not feel it when you punch my brother, but you have my permission to try.

No, I do not share his thoughts. Although, I'm pretty sure we both think people who ask about twin telekinesis are simple as a pail of dirt.

And no, I have never pretended to be my brother to play pranks on people. He once asked me to take a math test for him but I can only multiply up to 12 (South Carolina schools).

No, there is no good twin and no evil twin. Who are you, the Pope?

If you know I exist, don't be surprised or offended that I don't answer to my brother's name. After all, I don't know you, and I have my own name that other people use all the time. You can, however, introduce yourself and make conversation. Not sure what to say? Like a typical Minnesotan, talk about the weather.

Also, don't look at me all night. Either you creep me out or I start liking you more with every beer.

Don't make generalizations about people with my last name. My sister is surprisingly accomplished and sober.

No, our Mom never dressed us alike. But why did your Mom dress you like that manikin at Urban Outfitters?

Do not give us a shared birthday present or card. People have shared birthday parties all the time, do you ever think about giving non-twins a package of socks to share?

I know it's tempting to join in my own bashing of my twin, but he's my twin and not yours, I can do that because we share many similar faults. It's the same as me being modest.

Lastly, I'm ashamed that a google image search brings up so many twins in bikinis. Please keep that side of you away from us.

Talking to twins about being a twin is the equivalent of talking to tall people about basketball. Sure, you've got some freaks like Michael Jordan who fit into your stereotype, but if you've ever met a tall person, you'll know that most are gangly and uncoordinated, completely unsuited to anything but plucking the high-hanging fruit. But many of these tall people have other interests than their most obvious characteristic. It's probably a good rule of thumb with everyone, considering we all have our own issues people harp on: Show a little depth.